My Story, My Journey

Here, you'll find reflections on my daily life, the challenges I face, and the strategies I use to manage my time and maintain balance. It's a space for like-minded souls to find solace and inspiration. My goal is to foster a supportive community where we can learn and heal together. Feel free to leave a comment or share your story.

12/10/2025 7:04pm

I couldn't stop thinking about this common issue that always worries my mind.. It floods my being with uncertainty and chaos that I just want to leave everything and run away. Why? I keep asking, am I made for this? I have to be if I keep coming back here, right? My soul longs for a taste and feeling that you can't seem to give me. No one can, not even myself. The moon calls out to me every night asking when I will come back and spend time with her.. It has been too long. Before I came to San Antonio TX, I spent my night in the Apache Mountains where every night these two owls came to greet me, they would hoot, hoot hoot all night it was like they knew me and could sense that I have missed them. Tennessee had so many but 2 in particular would come see me every night and every morning, being the only one out there to see them and spend time with them I knew they were for me. I was doing yoga and singing one night that this beautiful big brown owl came and sat next to me, so close I could probably touch it if i tried but I felt frozen and all I could do was cry and laugh. The owl stayed for 20mins and went on his way. I named him Andrew. Andrew, I keep thinking... will I ever get to meet you, will you get to finally hold me again? I remember the way you looked at me the first time we met and then again at dennys diner. Why out of all people where you able to see all my flaws and horrible stories and thoughts but I could never see you again? I fall every time i think of you, I know you can hear me sometimes. I know you can feel when I break and call out to you for help, to hold me from afar.. You vibration from afar makes me cry so hard. I miss you so much. I want to hear your voice just one more time.

The words i wish to hear, I am always telling them to others. No one ever tells me them back.. I love you keeps sounding like an apology. 

12/11/2025 2:14pm

I kinda wish I didn't have to wake up from dreaming. I actually had a dream of my mom and I.. It was a very beautiful dream. I want to sleep and dream all the time, never waking up. No one was sleeping next to me, I could feel my body float up above myself and come back down when I was done dreaming.. Thinking back on it I want to cry because I want to be held, I want to cuddle with someone who I know can hold all of my flaws, my insecurities, my pain, every little feeling and thought spiritually and mentally.. Ughh. My heart is throbbing, yearning for more. I deserve more than whatever this is. What is this anyway? I don't like it, nor do I enjoy any of it, because you don't know how to love? love on me? I can't even bear to care for what your response will be. The moon will give me to someone else who can switch up the room and make me feel loved in all the cracks and crevices, broken and bruised. I bleed out with every word spoken, every encounter I break in the worst possible silence. 

Silence. Gosh, do I miss the silence. Just me and the beating of my own heart. Hearing myself talk, hearing the voices of the earth. 

12/11/2025 9:59pm

I just came back from the Virgin Mary Ceremony at my mom's best friend's house. They had a very amazing and beautiful setup that was just breathtaking. His dad is 92 years old and has been doing this celebration for many many years, and it will be passed down when he goes. They host this ceremony, starting off by doing the rosary, they provide a rosary and a booklet to help do the rosary, and after you sing 2-3 songs with the family, his dad will end by singing a song for everyone. after all of this, they serve you food, and have a sweets section for dessert. The food was very delicious, and I am so happy I attended this sweet gathering. My heart melted, I cried inside knowing that these wonderful souls held this and enjoyed and welcomed my presence<3 I am sad I did not take a candle and some roses to say my own prayer, but I can always go back. I am not religious, but when I get a chance to go to these types of ceremonies/gatherings, I soak up every inch. Every moment shared. God is someone I have a hard time finding a relationship with. My mom grew us up Christian. We went to church every Sunday. I was in children's church until I was old enough to be with the grown-ups, and then it stopped because as I grew up, things started happening, and when I would pray to 'God', I would never get an answer. I would never hear anything back, no healing, no guidance, nothing. I felt that he was always putting me through this, so naturally, I faded away. I went toward catholic for a little while as well, and there I got answers and some healing, but I didn't stay long because again I am angry, hurt, upset, all of the above. Then I met friends who were jews, Moorman, Jehovah witnesses, many others, Buddhism, the list continues to go on. I love my encounters and I pray at every gathering. Sing, chant, connect, all of it. I immerse myself in all of it because even though I am suffering. I am mad. I am hurt. I am in denial. I am everything painful. One day, the good will show. If I don't happen to be here for that day, then so be it, at least for that moment I enjoyed my time and was loved on. That is all I need/ed. I have mentioned before, I do not plan on staying on this earth long, just long enough to make myself happy, show myself I was able to work hard for my dream, and say goodbye. Regardless if I have built a family, started a long love connection, regardless if I started anything new, I will say goodbye with no hesitation because my heart is broken, my soul is shattered into tiny pieces every time I walk, I step on a little piece of glass, so now when I walk this earth, my each step is super painful. I can't do it, and I am sorry for the pain I will create for whoever is beside me. My story was made to end a long time ago, but for some odd reason, they were able to keep me here longer, longer than I wanted. I remember every night crying in the restroom before my bath, crying my eyes out, cutting myself, wishing I could be saved by anyone. no one came for me. Passing out on the bathroom floor, waiting for someone to pick me up and hold me. No one. I lay there, somehow getting back up and going through my day as if nothing happened. Is till alone. I still bear all this pain alone. No one is here with me. I lose everything and everyone, and still I am being held by a man who chose to neglect me, put insecurities in me, and hold me with wandering eyes. I am never the only girl on his mind because he is stuck on whomever. I don't even know how he and I got this far, but I know for one, I do not love him. I do not want to share anything with him for all the small little issues he has caused. I am worth more. 'I am Sorry" can't help, won't change how I feel or think about us. You messed up, and now I will move on. 

12/13/2025 7:49pm 

Is it obvious? Do I wear my pain on my sleeve? do wear my heart on my sleeve? If that is the case, do not look, do not acknowledge me. Let me walk with it, and let me handle this on my own. I finally showed up to my mom's friend's graduation gathering, it was actually a really nice time but, uhm, I could feel the pain I would hold when I used to show up to things like that with my mom... I could see the angel that would stay quiet, wouldn't eat, wouldn't do anything when I showed up. Like a gnome was placed on the table. everyone could see me, but they couldn't reach me. How is it possible for someone to come out of something like that? One girl came up and was so surprised that I even talked, that I was more joyful. I wanted to burn the whole place down because no one truly cared about me. why doesn't anyone care about how I feel? Why do I care how everyone else feels? I can see and feel when someone I do not even know is going through something or is hurting, or just needs a hug or help. I get involved, help, and hug. love. I don't get that in return, and I still can't feel angry about that because why should I? I guess secretly I am choosing for no one to see all that I truly want them to, but you guys. I just want the internet to know no one in my circle. Once someone knows in my circle, I run away because that is when I get mad, that is when I build up all those thorny barriers. Run away, shut you out, and never speak to you. But over the internet is different to me... 

Today was altogether a very beautiful and wonderful day<3 I am super blessed to share these moments with my mom and her best friends. 

12/14/2025 4:40pm 

Emotions today have been fluctuating everywhere like a sad instrumental song. Longing to be touched, to be kissed, to be held, to be felt in deep ways that only he can. "He." Thirsty for his love, where his electricity shocks the hell out of me. Out of nowhere, you somehow reach me, caress me into your being. I feel so comfortable at home. I am blogging on Tumblr, and I see on Instagram couples in love, couples doing everything that I am waiting and longing to do. BRB